Wilson Savoy’s Theory of Relativity
December 11, 2001

Every single action you make affects the entire world tremendously in ways no human could ever even begin to imagine to imagine. Deciding to go watch a different movie than the movie you had previously wanted to see may have been the event that set the new events into place which caused your best friend to meet a girl and marry. With every small, insignificant decision you make, whether it’s pizza or chicken for lunch or high-heels to tennis-shoes, you have helped changed the course of history.
To understand my hypothesis, I have set up a simple day in the life of Joe Slob. Joe wakes up at 9 o’clock on a cold, winter morning and heads out to work. When lunch rolls around, he walks a block down the street to Sloppy Mike’s Hamburgeria to satisfy his craving for a big, greasy hamburger, but instead he’s deeply saddened to see that Sloppy Mike’s is closed today, so instead he was forced to take the bus to eat at The Grando Taco Emporium. Evening comes and Joe is stuck in the office working overtime to compensate for the hour he lost while the bus was stuck in a traffic jam. At his home, Micky Mundane gives Joe, his best friend, a telephone call, but the answering machine picks up. “Hey Joe, I was going to invite you to come out tonight to concert with me because I have an extra ticket, but... Well, I don’t wanna go by myself, so... Never mind. CLICK.” Micky turns on the idiot box and dwindles away the rest of the evening watching reruns of Married with Children. Joe finally gets home two hours later than normal and sees the message light flashing on his machine. “Stupid traffic jam.”
These were just a few of the infinite scenarios that occurred on this particular day in Joe Slob’s life, and tomorrow will continue beginning with the same scenario that the previous day left off. Let’s begin with the traffic jam, shall we?
Why was there a traffic jam? Because old Granny Tanny had not taken her special medicine this morning and passed out at the wheel, and crashed into a highly explosive tank on the back of an 18 wheeler which had been pulled over near a truck stop.
Why had she not taken her medicine? Because the delivery boy who usually delivers her medicine on time from his backpack was in a rush to deliver his shipment and go meet his girlfriend.He took an alternate route through a ghetto alley, was mugged by a short Italian kid and his sack was stolen.The short Italian kid was in the alley at this precise moment, because he late for school, and was on the way to school when he saw a wimpy delivery boy. Why was he late? Because the electricity in his house had flashed off at his house for a few minutes late at night, and his alarm clock was reset. Why had the electricity flashed out? Because a few kids in his apartment building found the key to the circuit breaker box and pulled the switch. Why did they find the key? Because the janitor was stinkin’ drunk from the night before and he never noticed that he dropped his keys in the hallway. Why was he drunk? Because I invited him to go get drunk.Why am I writing this insane story? Because I’m drunk. Sorry, Joe...

T H E ... E N D If there are 365 and a quarter days in every year, and I am conscious throughout every one of these days and my brain is recording memories, how come I can only remember a maximum of 30 days clearly. I do not remember what happened on every day, for example, the day before my birthday, but I do remember my birthday quite well. I do, however, know what did not happen, and knowing this, I know that nothing serious or important must have happened, otherwise I would have remembered it. So does a human actually have 365 and a quarter days in a year? November 26, 2001